10 ways to graciously tell someone 'no gifts, please' with actual examples. | (2023)

Updated 11/7/2022

“What to ask for for Christmas” is a term that gets an average of 18,100 Google hits each month. Maybe it’s just me, but if you have to Google what you want for Christmas, wouldn’t it just be easier to tell someone, thanks, but “no gifts, please?”

Ok, I know it’s not actually always that easy. But if you’re someone who wonders what they should ask for, or gets uncomfortable thinking about all the stuff coming that you know you’re not going to want or use, this post is for you.

This post is also for you if you often wonder if there’s another way to do the whole holiday thing – without gifts.

The good news is I’m here to tell you that yes, there is.

But blurting out at Thanksgiving dinner something along the lines of: “I don’t want to give Christmas gifts anymore” may not be the most productive way of communicating.

Since originally publishing this post in 2019, it has been in the top five most popular posts each month. This means that if you want to do the whole “no gifts, please” thing, you’re NOT alone. By any means.

Want to listen to this content instead (or in addition?) Check out this topic on my podcast, Raising Eco Minimalists.

Before we dive in to ways to graciously tell someone, ‘no gifts, please’, let’s take a quick look at a few reasons why people may be so adamant about gift giving so we can go into this with some understanding, empathy, and compassion.

Their love language might be in gift giving/receiving:

Have you heard of the five love languages? If not, basically, every one of us shows our love in different ways, and the five love languages help us understand how our partner, friend, or family member may show their love. One of the five love languages is gift giving- meaning that some people show their love in the act of giving a gift.

“Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.” (source)

I’m not mentioning this as an excuse for someone ignoring your requests for non-physical gifts or no gifts at all. Nor am I excusing the behavior of unwanted gifts being thrown at you when you’ve had the conversation of ‘no gifts’ in the past. I am just trying to show a perspective that may not be known about why some people are so wrapped around the idea of having to give gifts. Knowing = better community = steps forward.

Gift giving as a form of manipulation and/or control

Of course, on the other side of that, sometimes gift giving can be a form of manipulation or control. There is more to the gift than just the gift. It is important to remember that the gift ends after it has been exchanged. Additionally:

“The gift is not the item they gave you. The gift is their attention to you.” (source)

Quick note this post contains a ton of information, along with actual examples on how to tell someone “no gifts, please”. If you would find it helpful to download or print this post to give to someone, practice, show someone, etc., you can! I’ve converted this entire post into a PDF, which you can download or print for only $5.

Let’s dive in to the 10 ways to gracious tell someone ‘no gifts, please’ (with actual examples, wording, and alternatives).

Set expectations around gift giving early. In January.

After you’ve rung in the new year and had a chance to decompress from the holiday season, take some time to talk with friends and family about how you’d like to see the next holiday season go re: gift giving/exchanging.

“I really loved the {insert item here} you got us for Christmas. I am so grateful. But you know what I really loved? Spending time telling stories of past celebrations together as a family. What if we focused on that next year and skipped the gift exchange?”

Determine the best way to bring up the ‘no gifts’ news

You know your family and friends. What would be the best way to have the conversation? In person over coffee/tea (hello experiences), or over text where they would have time to reflect on it? Pick the method that you feel most comfortable with and that you think would be the best received. This is especially true if you think they won’t take the news well.

Bring research to the table (research, data – link to toy clutter)

Yep, that’s right. Research. I’m not against bringing some hard core statistics to the conversation if need be. Why? Although people try, it’s hard to argue with science. And when people do, they look silly (looking at you climate change deniers).

Let’s look at an example.

According to an Infant and Behavior Development study, fewer toys creates fewer distractions, which equals better learning. And since we know kids learn through play, this is important information.

Related post: How to declutter toys for good (plus save money and reduce waste)

Here is one way you can weave research into the conversation using the example of excessive gift giving from grandparents:

“I know you love giving gifts to {insert kid(s) names here}, we do too! But we’re trying to teach him not to be so attached to ‘things’. Additionally, we have been doing some research about how it is actually beneficial for kids to have less toys. It helps them focus and creates few distractions which equals better learning. I can show you the study I found if you’re interested in learning more. For his birthday this year, we’re planning a family trip to the zoo and would love to have you join us instead of doing individual birthday gifts.”

You can bring in research on the mental effects of clutter (hint: physical clutter = mental clutter), research on how much packaging ends up in the landfill, etc. whatever fits into the values that mean the most to you.

Related post: What is a fiver party and how to throw one (includes a party invitation wording guide)

Spin the ‘no gifts, please’ narrative so it’s about you, not them (because it is)

You are always so generous in your gift giving and I appreciate all the wonderful gifts you’ve given in the past. That soap set you gave me last year was AMAZING. This year I would like to explore not exchanging gifts, and instead go get bubble tea together. This has nothing to do with me not being grateful for your gifts in the past, it has everything to do with me and my decluttering journey. I really hope you can help me obtain my goal of decluttering ‘x’ boxes of stuff by going this route. What are your thoughts?“

Using ‘I’ statements while pointing out how thankful you are for previous gifts puts the blame on you and makes it less likely they will get defensive. Also, including them in your goal of reducing clutter or waste or whatever will help them feel more part of the team and take the focus off them not being able to give you a gift even less.

Additionally, be clear about how important it is to you that they respect your wishes, and be overly thankful when they do.

Rally other ‘no gifting’ like-minded individuals together

If there are other people in your family or group of friends that you think you can bring on board with your ‘no gifts, please’ request, talk with them ahead of time. This is especially helpful if there is someone who you think won’t take the news well.

Approaching fellow ‘no gifting’ like-minded person:

“Hey! I’m thinking of talking to mom about not doing gifts this year, and instead having a gingerbread house making contest for the family get-together. Would you be interested in talking to her with me about it?”

Redirect and offer alternatives to gifts

I’m not sure if you have noticed, but in all or most of the dialogue examples I’ve given thus far, I’ve given alternatives to doing a gift exchange. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The main reason is that it takes the immediate defensive/reactive response away (or at least can help tone it down), because you’re showing that it’s not that you don’t want to spend time with the person/people, but that you just don’t want to do gifts.

For specific examples, review some of the previous verbiage.

Ask them to think about their favorite holiday or birthday memories. Do they include gifts?

“Auntie, remember when I was younger and we used to make those delicious cinnamon rolls together Christmas morning? That is one of my favorite memories. What is one of yours? {wait for response}. What if we skipped exchanging gifts this year, and instead made those cinnamon rolls together, and then watched the best Christmas movie ever, ‘Muppets Christmas Carol’. While I am so thankful for all the gifts you’ve given me in the past, the best part about the holidays for me is spending time together.

Focus on the true meaning of the holidays

What does the season mean for you? To me, it means focusing and reflecting on all the amazing things I have in my life, and giving back. These are things that I not only value, but that I want to pass along to my son. If you’re in the same boat, you can use this example to showcase why you don’t want to do gifts. This also would work for birthdays.

“Every time the winter holidays (or my birthday) come around, I stop and take a look at all the things I have in my life and how grateful and lucky I am. It makes me want to give back. Instead of gifts, would you like to join me in volunteering at the local soup kitchen this year?”

Example involving kids:

“We feel so fortunate with all that we have been blessed with in our lives, and we want to give back. Additionally, we want to show {insert kid(s) name here} the same, and instill the value of having enough, being grateful, and helping others. Instead of gifts this year, would you like to come shopping with us to buy toys to donate to Toys for Tots? We are letting {insert kids name here} help pick out the toys for the kids.

If you’re looking for other fun activities to do that help reinforce the true meaning of the season, you can check out my post with over 58 advent calendar ideas that focus on traditions, giving back, and activities instead of ‘stuff’ and waste.

Related post: Why you Need More Gratitude in your Life Right. Now.

Lead by example

When all else fails, lead by example. If you ask for no gifts, stay true to that message and don’t give gifts yourself. You never know who you may be influencing for the next year or the year after that. It may not be easy, but if it starts getting tough, remember your ‘why’ (less clutter, less waste, etc).

If someone insists on giving a gift – what are some alternatives?

Remember how we talked about how some people show their love through gifts at the beginning of the post? And remember that we also talked about how to have a conversation to move towards a more in-line-with-your-values type of gift giving scenario? Well, sometimes you may have to compromise. But remember that this goes both ways. If someone insists on a gift, they *should* be OK with the fact that they have no say in what happens to the gift after the fact.

Related: The Ultimate Zero Waste, Eco-Friendly, Minimalist Friendly, and Mindful Gift Guide (with over 100 gift ideas!)

Here are some things you can suggest for insistent gift givers:

The four gift rule

• Something you want
• Something you need
• Something you wear
• Something you read
  

Or, provide whole family gift ideas

A game, a movie, passes to the local aquarium, something that you can do as a family and that would only result in one ‘item’.

One option is to have a fiver party if we’re looking at birthdays, but the concept could also be used towards a larger gift for the holidays. You can read more about what a fiver party is, how to have one, and an invite wording/verbiage guide here.

Or, ask for experiences instead of toys

Still getting a gift, but not getting stuff!

Or, do a toy swap

Talk with family members about doing a toy swap for Christmas. Basically, each family selects a previously loved toy they are no longer using, wraps it up, and exchanges it. The kids get ‘new’ toys, you’re getting rid of a toy your kid/family no longer uses, and you saved a ton of money and effort in searching for the perfect gift (plus, reduced waste!).

Taking it one step further, host a toy swap with friends! Have everyone bring toys they no longer want, and swap for ‘new’ to them toys that they can give their kids for Christmas or birthdays throughout the year.

Related post: How to host a toy swap or toy exchange (with swap invite wording)

Or, come up with a homemade gift exchange rule

Homemade gifts are the best, aren’t they? If someone is insisting on doing a gift exchange, compromise by making a ‘must-be-homemade’ rule!

Or, suggest no gifts for birthdays or any other holidays, but to exchange gifts for the December holidays

Back to offering alternatives. This is another way you can compromise to minimize the number of times per year you’re getting gifts. Maybe it’s no gifts for Christmas, but a gift for birthdays, or vice versa.

Or, Lead by example

Reiterating what I said earlier, lead by example by not giving a gift, even if you receive a gift from someone (assuming you’ve already tried talking to them). The key piece here is that you then can’t feel guilty about not getting them something, and ultimately end up giving them something. Be grateful for the gift, send a thank you, and leave it at that. Again, the gift is in the giving and that is as far as it needs to go.

In the end, be grateful* for any gifts you receive

Be grateful for any gift you receive, whether you want it or not. Think of all that goes into a gift. The person thinks of you. They think of something you might like. They spend their time shopping and wrapping that gift. They spend their hard earned money on it. A lot goes into a gift.

*This is assuming the gift is NOT given as a method to manipulate or control.

Sample thank you message for gifts received/thank you note for gift: